A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Rami Malek: "Please tell me you're seeing this too." (Jimmy Ryan)
1. Daisy: “You don't get to decide who deserves to die.” Ghost Rider: “I’m not the one who decides.” (Nirat Anop)
1. Bernadette: "Love is patient but it's not gonna put up with all the side chatter so let's knock it off."
2. Penny: "Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep."
3. Leonard: "Penny, as a scientist my job is to figure out why things happen, but I don't think I'll ever understand how someone like me could get to be with someone like you. Maybe I don't need to understand it. I just need to be grateful. I love you, Penny." Bernadette: "Anybody have anything snarky to say about that? Didn't think so."
1. Red: "As you all know the key to my success is a clear and consistent understanding of my own limitations. So often people overestimate themselves, misapply their gifts. The cleaner suddenly fancies herself the strategist (glares at Mr. Kaplan). Wisdom is learning the boundaries of one's designated lane. For instance, this I will do poorly (pulls out saw). Clumsily, with more mess than necessary. It will take longer and be considerably unpleasant to boot. But I can't very well have you do it, can I? (Glares at Mr. Kaplan before proceeding to saw off the head of the corpse. Blood spattering everywhere) (Kollin Lore)
2. Navabi: "I informed the Bureau that Elizabeth Keen has risen from the dead. They said 3 Hail Mary's and they're on the lookout for the zombie apocalypse."
3. Kaplan: "I know you don't want to talk to me. Fine, then listen. It was excruciating to watch you mourn Elizabeth's death, to know that I was making you endure that. Yes, I betrayed you, but only after you had betrayed her. Raymond, you have to change. I took Elizabeth from you and now I need your help to get her back. But when you do as I'm sure you will, you have to let her go."
4. Red: "Your job here is done, Donald." Ressler: "Like hell it is. I came here to get Keen. I'm not leaving without her." Red: "You think I'm going to let you tag along so you can inform the people who kidnapped Elizabeth they have the right to remain silent? I appreciate your assistance, but I'm not interested in having an ethical debate with you about whether they have the right to consult with an attorney before I put a bullet in their head."
1. Jordan: “A great viral video like that could fetch me ten grand and do you know what type of tanning bed I could get for that kind of money? A midrange one.” Holt: “Not necessary. Your tan is great as is. You look like an evenly stained deck.” (Jessica VanWinkle)
2. Holt: "I'd like to be assistant manager." Taylor: "You serious? Oh, I just never expected you to be interested in management. I mean, you don't seem like the type of person who's really interested in leadership roles." Holt: "Really? Anyone who knows me would say the opposite. I'm very hard-working." Taylor: "Yeah, when you're not totally blazed." Holt: "I assure you that's not me." Taylor: "Okay, tell that to the Count Blunt-ula T-shirt that you were rocking last week." Holt: "It was the only thing in lost and found. A child and his father threw up on me." (Laura Markus)
3. Jake: "Look, the feds are useless. They're never gonna catch Figgis, so I'm working the case. I want to get home and see Amy. Don't you want to see Kevin?" Holt: "Of course I do! But we were told not to get involved. Why can't you just follow orders?" Jake: "Because I hate this stupid place, and I've got to get out. This town's claim to fame is that its mayors keep dying, and no one knows why. That's insane." Holt: "You're selfish, and you're putting my life at risk. So no, you're not getting those files back. I suggest you accept the reality of the situation and make the best of it. Snap out of it, and get a job." (Laura Markus)
4. Holt: "So I marched in there and I told him I wanted that assistant manager position." Estelle: "I wish my son had your backbone. Then he could finally divorce Emily. What does he see in her anyway?" Holt: "Probably her breasts, which are heavier than average. I don't mean to be crude, ladies, but that's just how the straight mind works." (Laura Markus)
1. Bull: "Hey, don't give up on people. They're all we've got."
2. Marissa: "Are we wasting time or is this team building?"
3. Bull: "Rule #1, the client is the enemy."
1. Alex: "Tom, you can't do that. You can't make promises that you won't be able to keep." Tom: "We're in Washington. They're the only promises we're allowed to make." (Nirat Anop and Dahne)
2. Tom: "You really think I should step down?" Seth: "I do." Tom: "You may be right but for now I'm all you've got and you have exactly 52 minutes to write a speech convincing the American people that that's a good thing." (Jessica VanWinkle and Dahne)
3. Tom: "Mr. Ambassador, you may not know much about me. What you should know is that I'm about as straight a shooter as you're gonna find in Washington so you should believe me when I tell you that I do not want as my first act as Commander-in-Chief to attack Iran, but as both of us know, it's not always up to us how history plays itself out. Now I have chosen to believe that your country is not playing on our emotions tonight, but nevertheless, you will feel the full impact of them if you do not comply with my demands. Mr. Ambassador, dock your destroyers or the lead story on the morning news will not be about the attack on our Capitol but the devastating attack on yours. Please Mr. Ambassador, let's not get off on the wrong foot here tonight." (Nirat Anop and Dahne)
4. Tom: “Do you need my fingerprints or an eye scan or something?” Major Cameron: “No, sir. It's not like the movies. It doesn't work that way.” (Nirat Anop)
1. Beverly: "I get the sense you don't want me here, Earl." Earl: "Oh good. Thanks for reading all the obvious social cues." (Jessica VanWinkle and Dahne)
2. Erica: "You always support our dreams no matter what, so I guess now it's our turn." Beverly: "Really? You want me here?" Adam: "Oh absolutely not." Barry: "I will run from you." Adam: "But for once, it's not about us." (Dahne)
3. Earl: "Oh good. The first week wouldn't have seemed complete without uncomfortable quality time with every Goldberg." (Jessica VanWinkle and Dahne)
4. Erica (to Beverly): You are not an educator! You are just a crazy lady in a worm sweater.” (Jessica VanWinkle)
1. Eleanor: "Well it doesn't sound awesome."
2. Eleanor: "I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place - like Cincinnati."
1. Penguin: “I want Fish Mooney, and I will give one million dollars to whoever can bring her to me. Dead or alive or chopped into pieces. I want her.” (Nirat Anop)
2. Bullock: “Fascistic meathead culture? I mean, you couldn't try to be just a little bit more positive?” Lucius: “I was very positive.” (Nirat Anop)
3. Barbara: “I gather you're here about your offer to shelter us under your umbrella?” (Nirat Anop)
1. Ben: “Is it just blind loyalty?” Meredith: “It's not blind. He's earned it. When I first got here, he was one of the worst people I had ever met in my life, and now he's one of the best, and I know both of those people are still in there. I just want to make sure the right one wins.” (Nirat Anop)
2. April: “It may not open doors, but 'Kepner' means something.” (Nirat Anop)
1. Annalise: "You haven't returned my calls." Connor: "I'm just trying to disconnect. Be happy or something." Annalise: "I get that." Connor: "Look I think Oliver's going to ask you for a job. I need you to promise me that you'll say no. I haven't asked for much I mean, anything, really." Annalise: "Oliver's never coming to work for me." Connor: "You swear? Because he'll, uh, he'll find things out." Annalise: "We'd ruin him." Connor: "Yeah, exactly. He'd become the new Asher." Annalise: "I won't let that happen. You have my word." (Laura Markus)
2. Oliver: "I love you. I love you so much." Connor: "Okay, now you're scaring me. Just-" Oliver: "Hey, let me say this. You've been so good to me. Like, you stayed with me even when most guys would've run, but you didn't even bat an eye. You just loved me." Connor: "And you loved me back?" Oliver: "I know, but I'm different now than when we first met." Connor: "How is that my fault?" Oliver: "It's not your fault. I just don't know who I am anymore." Connor: "We all go through that." (Laura Markus)
3. Asher: "Sorry to barge in." Annalise: "What now?" Asher: "Well, you know how I'm not really talking to my mom? Uh, well, that means I'm not getting any support from her, uh, financially, and with next year's tuition due I need a loan, basically. You think I'm joking?" Annalise: "No. I think you're serious." Asher: "Please, Annalise, I'm really struggling here." Annalise: "Yeah, because your white a** has struggled a day in its life. You need some money? Get a job, like everyone else." (Laura Markus)
4. Michaela: "I'm a grown-a** women. I can't be having sex in dorm rooms." Asher: "Uh, of course you can. Otherwise you're discriminating against me because I'm poor now." Michaela: "Welcome to America."
5. Annalise: "You're strong enough to run away from a bad family so you're strong enough to get through this. That's why I never worried about you. The next time you want to drink yourself silly, call me. I've got a full liquor cabinet and I won’t let you drive home drunk, okay? Now let's go. We look like we're working the corner at this point."
6. Nate: "All I'm saying is whoever did this could be unstable." Annalise: "I'm unstable. Maybe they need to be protected from me."
1. Kendra: "I got my old job back at the diner and I'm dropping out of school to support Chale until he makes it big." Donna: "Honey, that's not a plan,. That is literally every stripper's back story."
2. Kendra: "Guys, he's a visionary. He wants to change the world." Kevin: "Well you know what, I want to go on tour with Taylor Swift but I don't know her and I don't play guitar." Donna: "And in your mind those are the only things holding you back." Kevin: "To be continued."
3. Kendra: "Please, please, be careful. He's sensitive." Kevin: "Oh yeah, where? Cause that's exactly where I want to punch him."
1. Martin Riggs: "I miss my girl." (Justyna Kubica)
2. Ronnie Delgado: "Martin... thank you. For bringing her home." Martin Riggs: "I didn't have a choice. She's an L.A. girl. Always hated Texas. Couldn't make her stay there for an eternity." Ronnie Delgado: "No, Martin. She would've gone anywhere with you." (Justyna Kubica)
3. Riggs: "I can't believe you shot me." Murtaugh: "I can't believe it took me so long." (Justyna Kubica and Dahne)
4. Murtaugh: "I just met that man, okay? This kind of crazy takes years to develop."
5. Riggs: "I'm here for the kid." Tibibian: "What kid?' Riggs: "Ramon Alvarez's son. Unless you've got other kidnapped children here. In which case, I'll take them as well."
6. Riggs: "Or we can explore option #2." Tibibian: "Which is?" Riggs: "Oooh, well that's the one where I kill as many of you as I can before you take me out and then you up your profile from small-time dealer to cop killer. Then you spend the rest of your life in prison or on the run, most likely dead. I'm not saying that it's a great option but people like choices."
1. Ella: "And besides, I think the devil got a bad rap." Lucifer: "You do, do you?" Ella: "Sure. I mean, what did he really do that was so bad? What? Rebel against his dad? Ask some naked lady if she wanted an apple?" Lucifer: "Be still, my heart. Do go on." (Darth Locke)
2. Ella: "Oh, wait. Are you a method actor?" (Darth Locke)
3. Chloe: "I don't know what your deal is, but you make me a better detective." (Darth Locke)
4. Lucifer: "Hello, murderer." (Laura Markus)
5. Maze: "Wait, you think I'm helping her [Mom]? Have you forgotten who actually tortured her in Hell?" Lucifer: "Well, desperation makes for strange bedfellows. I've just pictured you in bed with my mom. Oh, I can't un-see that now." Maze: "So, Mama Morningstar's on the loose. I never could break that woman. She wouldn't submit. Seems like I have another chance." (Laura Markus)
6. Linda: "You've never mentioned your mother before. Why is that?" Lucifer: "Well, you wouldn't understand, would you?" Linda: "I'd like to." Lucifer: "Oh, all right. Very well. In human terms, once upon a time, a boy met a girl, and they fell in love. They had sex. The only trouble was, they were celestial beings, so that moment created the universe." Linda: "Mm, the Big Bang?" Lucifer: "Never knew how appropriate the name was until now, did you?" (Laura Markus)
1. Jack: "Could we not take bets on what's probably going to get us killed?"
2. Mac: "Oops." Jack: "Oops? Oops like I just stubbed my toe or oops like I just may have started the zombie apocalypse?"
3. Jack: "Because you're a bad guy, I'm gonna reserve my right not to believe anything that you say."
1. Mitchell: "Hey, Grams. How's the coma? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Are you trying to say something? Aww. Ow! Grams. Ow, that hurts. Let go. Grams, let go. Let go, Grams!" Cameron: "What the hell are you telling her?" Pam: "What happened?" Cameron: "I just walked in, and Mitchell was telling her to let go, and she did!" Mitchell: "Oh, let go - let go of my hair." Cameron: "Somebody call the race track! Get the doctor!" (Laura Markus)
2. Phil: "Remember how Luke used to call it "jeh-woh"? I hate that I can't share this with him. Magic isn't about secrets and tricking people." Claire: "Phil! Get it together. Like your boyfriend, David Blaine, we're taking how we did this to the grave." Phil: "I just feel bad that he's missing out. This is our thing." Claire: "Hey! You will never tell him about this, or we will finish what that unlicensed carnival started, okay?" (Laura Markus)
3. Luke: "We can't use that money. It's for college." [laughter] (Laura Markus)
1. Julia: "Sorry, Jake. It's been a rough couple of days and I'm not just talking about work." Jake: "Is your boring, elitist federal judge giving you problems?" Julia: "Yeah." Jake: "Just say the word. I'll kill him. Or at least have the DWP shut off his water."
2. Julia: "Louise is going to lob him a softball and then throw him on defense." Jake: "Well I'm not sure what sport she's playing but it sounds like good TV to me."
3. Julia: "I'm not sure I can do this." Louise: "You're a tough a** b**. You can do anything."
1. Ginny: “I was just a little girl! I never asked for any of it. You chose it for me. You did! I have no friends. No interests. I'm a robot in cleats and I'm malfunctioning! It wasn't right what you did. What you did to me.” (Nirat Anop)
2. Reporter: "If you wanna say she’s only getting a shot because she’s a woman, go ahead. But let’s be real, if you are saying that, you’re a man. You’re a backwards thinking, backwards-cap wearing, male pattern baldness hiding man. So b** and moan all you want gentlemen, but tonight a girl is gonna be the lead sports story in the world. And if that upsets you? Well, maybe you are just getting your period." (Nirat Anop)
3. Amelia: "Hey Joe, I know it's just a 2-minute ride to the stadium and I'm sure you've dealt with this kind of paparazzi before but there's a billion dollar piece of cargo back here and if you Princess Di her a** and you and me both survive, I'm gonna Red Wedding you and your entire family. Do you understand?"
4. Lawson: "I've been watching this past week, Baker. It looks like you've got a lot of people telling you who you're doing this for and I wonder if it's not about time you start doing this for yourself. Just you. Screw all of the attention, and you know what, screw all those adorable little girls in the crowd with their Ginny Baker signs because you're not a Girl Scout leader, rookie. You're a ball player. You do this for you, you do this for your team, or you don't do it at all 'cause you can't aim your pitches if you're aiming to please everyone. I literally just came up with that on the spot. I mean 'aim your pitches, aim to please.' Damn, I'm good. I really could be in the movies. Gotta go. You know people are gonna start talking. It's kind of gettin' awkward now." (Nirat Anop, Jessica VanWinkle, and Dahne)
5. Bill: "You threw 10 pitches. How tired can you be?"
1. Zorn: "What the hell is happening here?"
2. Zorn: "Look at us, fighting like the old days. I miss this."
3. Zorn: "What the hell. You don't want to keep that internet waiting, now do ya'?"
1. Fancy Lady: "Excuse me. There's no handicapped placard on your car. Do you expect me to walk from all the way over there to just-" Maya [after JJ emerges]: "I'm sorry, love. You were saying? Something about difficulty walking? She got difficulty walking, darling." Jimmy: "Aw." Maya: "Oi! Oi! Yeah, hello. Now, these these need a bit of a tune-up, but he's all there upstairs, and he's got a thing about staring. That's the finger." (Laura Markus)
2. Maya: "Do you realize, before you ran away, I came to tell you that I gave up on this place too soon?" Ray: "You were going to apologize?" Maya: "Oh, must we put a label on it? Look, yes, JJ gets a lot of my attention. Maybe it's because he needs me, and maybe it's because you're so damn sure that you don't. But I hear you, Ray, I do. And I love you. And if you don't feel that every minute, then I'm not doing my job properly, and for that, I am truly, truly-" (Laura Markus and Dahne)
3. Jimmy: "Knock on it." Ray: "It's a cell tower." Maya: "lt is." Jimmy: "Yeah, it is. Like 30 bars. I can call God!" (Laura Markus)
4. Maya: "I'm raising awareness." Kenneth: "Of the fact that you're nuts? Oh, word's out. Awareness is high."
5. Ray: "Why are we here? I don't know. Maybe she got a coupon for a crack house."
6. Jimmy: "You fight and fight to make sure JJ has a normal life. Maybe he's not the only one who deserves that."
1. Dr. Katowsky: "I lost my wife last year. Cancer. That's the reason I still work so much at my age. Just... trying to pass the time. We were married 53 years. Five children, 11 grandkids. But we lost our very first child during the delivery. The reason I went into this field, truth be told...I have spent five decades delivering babies. More babies than I can count. But there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of the child I lost. And I'm an old man now. I like to think that because of the child that I lost, because of the path that... that He sent me on, that I have saved countless other babies. Yeah. I like to think that maybe one day you'll be an old man like me... talking a younger man's ear off, explaining to him how you... took the sourest lemon that life has to offer... and turned it into something resembling lemonade. If you can do that, then you will still be...taking three babies home from this hospital. Just... maybe not the way you planned. I don't know if that was meaningful or senile, but I thought it ought to be said. Your wife'll still be asleep for a little while. Go see your babies. They're excited to meet their father. I think maybe they got a good one." (Justyna Kubica and Nirat Anop)
2. Kevin: “Listen, Ryan Gosling may not do this crap, but neither do I. I quit. I quit.” (Nirat Anop)
3. Randall: "I came here today so that I could look you in the eye, say that to you, and then get back in my fancy a** car and finally prove to myself and to you and to my family who loves me that I didn't need a thing from you even after I knew who you were." William: "You want to come in." Randall: "Okay."
4. Rebecca: "Oh baby. Oh, I'm sorry for anything I'm gonna say in the next 2 hours. I mean none of it." Jack: "You're gonna mean some of it." Rebecca: "Very little of it."
5. Kevin: "Actually Casey, it's not your fault, brother. It's not the writers' fault the show is so bad and it's sooo bad! It's not the network's fault for airing it. It's you guys. Why are you watching this stuff? It's your fault for demanding so little of us that we settle. I can't feel my face right now, but you know what? I knew exactly what this job was when I took it. Shame on me for taking the money. Shame on you for making me famous. Shame on all of us!"
1. Mohamad: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up people. This is not a petting zoo."
2. Susan: "This…uh, is my way of saying thank you." Vanessa: "This make me your pimp?"
3. John: "Who are you supposed to be? Shaq-a Zulu?"
1. Kaya: "I’m a huge fan. ...Not in a Kathy Bates with a sledgehammer kind of way. Though I do love Misery. So scary. Do you?" (Kollin Lore)
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